Craphead (aka Mommy)

I had a brief return to sanity while in Phoenix. I’m not sure what happened. Perhaps it was that we actually got to spend time with Hubby for the weekend. I think we all needed that. He has been working a lot. I feel that I can’t complain because he has an obligation, a contract, and a friendship at stake. He said the project is almost over and I am holding onto that thread of hope.

We got back from Phoenix a couple of weeks ago. I felt tired when we got back. I’m still waiting for my energy to return, but it’s not happening. I did have a couple of days of feeling fairly normal (again, after a day of being together as a family, a day where it was not just me and the kids for 10 hours or so). Now, the darkness is back. I feel crappy, but not physically. OK, well sort of physically. I feel tired and worn out. It’s not really lack of sleep so much as it is that I need a break. I had a Mom’s Day Out in Phoenix. I had a Girls’ Night Out at home. It’s not enough.

I pretty much spend my days in front of the computer. I am withdrawn. I have withdrawn. I don’t want to sit on the couch and snuggle. I don’t want to watch TV. I want to be alone. It isn’t really the kids, it’s me. I just want to be alone. I am drained. Is that the same thing as depressed? I can hardly tell the difference. I’m not sure it matters. I just want to be alone.

I cannot meet the kid’s emotional needs. I am meeting their physical needs, which are fairly minor considering they are almost-7 and 4.5. They are fairly self-sufficient if they need to be. And if they aren’t, it’s not that big a deal to get them a bowl of cereal. Their physical needs are so unimportant compared to their emotional needs. They fight. Still. They don’t want to learn how to get along. They don’t want to use their words. They don’t want to talk about their feelings. They just want to fight. I hate it. It tears me apart inside and I feel hopeless. I am out of my depth. I no longer know my kids or what they want or need. I just want someone else to figure it out because I can’t/won’t/don’t want to. 

I am lost. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing. I’m a mother. I’m a wife. That’s it, really. I don’t know what else to be. I guess I’m a chickenkeeper, but if you saw the coop and how lazy I am about the chickens, you’d laugh at that label. I have a garden, and if you saw it you would laugh. Or cry. I really don’t know. I gave up on the garden after we travelled to Puerto Rico and then to Phoenix. No one really wanted to help with the part that I don’t like to do. I WANT a garden. I WANT to be a homesteader. I WANT to be those things, but it’s not happening. I can’t do any of it. It’s too much and it’s too overwhelming.  

I feel like shit. I feel like a shitty person, a shitty wife, a shitty mother, a shitty daughter-in-law, daughter, gardener, homesteader. I am nothing. I do’nt know what’s wrong with me. Is it psychological? Is it my neurotransmitters? Is it my adrenals? Thyroid? Insulin? Something I ate or didn’t eat? Am I just tired the way mothers get because they are responsible for every little thing? Am I just an introvert who never gets time to herself? Am I just lazy? I just want someone to tell me. I’m so tired of trying to figure it out. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy and fun and carefree. I feel like I should be able to change my thoughts and bring myself out of this but I just can’t.