Craphead (aka Mommy)

On April 29, I had the pleasure of picking up my two nieces from school. Since my kids don’t go to school, this was quite a treat for me. It was nice to see their smiling faces when they came out the door and saw me. I was so happy to see them and to tell them that their mom was in the hospital, laboring with their baby sister. We brought the girls to our house and played some games, made some dinner. Dinner was later than I would have liked, considering that when we left the hospital after school, their mom was having good contractions fairly close together. We had just finished cooking dinner when we got the phone call. The girls were so, so excited. I hadn’t eaten so I wolfed down a brat and felt guilty about making them wait those 5 minutes (or less). You see, they were already in the car waiting. Once we got the phone call, they screamed with joy, jumped up and down, grabbed their shoes and ran to the car to go to the hospital. 

We arrived at the hospital and their dad came out to get them. We waited for a few minutes to give them some time together and then we went back to see our newest niece. I was also very excited. We have lived in Illinois now for a year and a half and are getting to know our nieces, but we weren’t here when they were little. So I was very excited to have a little niece to get to know and a baby to hold. I was so happy for my sister-in-law and her family because they were so excited and happy to have a baby.

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I remember my sister-in-law waffling about another baby. Sometimes she would tell me they wanted another one. Sometimes she would say she was happy to be done with diapers and those kinds of baby things. But in the end, they decided their family was not complete. My sister-in-law told me that she never said it made sense to have another baby. She just meant that it didn’t make sense to start over with the baby stuff when her other two girls are 6 and 7. But sometimes things just don’t make sense on a rational level, but they make perfect sense to your heart. 

And sometimes the universe just doesn’t make sense at all. Sometimes things are just so wrong, yet there is nothing you can do to change anything. The next time I picked up the girls at school was not such a happy occasion. Their mom was at the hospital with their little sister again. This time, the baby was not conscious. Something was wrong and the hospital was running tests. It was pretty serious, but the kids didn’t really understand how serious. I watched the four kids for hours. We had a great time that day, and yet it was one of the saddest days of my life. I say that, and yet I feel so selfish saying it because I know that whatever sadness I feel, my sister-in-law feels infinitely sadder. You see, that day her baby was air-lifted to a bigger hospital in a bigger city. Just before they air-lifted her, the local hospital did a CT scan and found blood in her brain. 

She died the next day at 21 days old. And this is a horrible sadness.

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It’s been two weeks since the funeral. I remember someone at the visitation telling me to think of the good that will come of this. Or something along those lines. It struck me as a wrong thing to say. It wasn’t comforting to me. I suppose it is to some people. Some people have faith and trust that there is a higher power and a purpose to all things, no matter how horribly sad those things are. I almost envy people their faith at times like this because it does seem to comfort them. 

Yet, even though I lack that faith, I can be comforted by small things. I can see that there is some good in this situation. It is a comfort to know that they chose to donate some parts of her body. Some other baby or child may be living because of their generosity. My sister-in-law and her family are being tested for clotting disorders, as it was a deficiency in a clotting factor that led to the brain hemorrhage. There are other good things, such as seeing family and friends come together to help out. At this moment, they have so many paper products they don’t know what to do with them. People have been bringing meals now for more than 2 weeks. Seeing how they are a part of this community, how a small town can band together to help out, has been wonderful. They have some wonderful friends and family. I’m sure they already knew that, but now they know it 100 times over. 

Seeing how strong a marriage is, how much love is there and how much they care about each other is a goodness beyond measure. So, there is good along with the horrible sadness. Today I feel the horrible sadness the most. But when my little boy can finally look at pictures of his lost little cousin without feeling too sad and my little girl comes over and asks why I’m so sad and gives me a hug, I know that some things in the world are still making sense.