Resolutions
Welcome to the January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting resolutions! This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month we’re writing about how we want to parent differently — or the same — in the New Year. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
I wrote a post back in November about some resolutions I’ve made, but it’s definitely time for more.
Be a better listener…now what were you saying?
One thing I’d like to do is to really take the time to listen to my kids more. It’s not that I don’t hear what they say, it’s that they don’t know I’m listening as well as I am. I am a bit distracted or preoccupied most of the time they are talking to me, it seems. I remember my mom being like that and it was upsetting. I can look back now and see that she was terribly busy working, taking care of us, cooking, cleaning, attending our activities and being involved in school, but at the time it hurt. So I want to listen to my kids more carefully. I want them to know that what they are saying is important and interesting to me.
Sometimes I might have to fake it, I suppose, but most of the time I won’t because most of the time I genuinely am interested in what they are saying. So this resolution is more about making the outside behaviors match my inside attitudes. I am interested and want to hear what they have to say, so I just need to act like it more often. What this means is that I need to stop doing what I am doing at that moment, look at them, and really listen. If I can’t do that, I will ask them to wait just a second so they can have my full attention. They deserve my full attention more often than they get it. I’d really like to make sure I do this all the time with all people, but for now I will work hardest on listening to the kids.
Less yelling, dammit!
Another thing we all need to do in this house is a lot less yelling. It’s hard to not yell when you live with emotionally intense people. I know there are mellow people in the world, but our family is not among them. Except maybe Krimboor. And that’s probably part of why he gets stressed out around us sometimes. Anyway, intense or mellow makes no difference. We really need to cut back on the yelling and the quickness with which we seem to get angry. Perhaps if we could work on that, then the daily violence between the children will also decrease.
Empty the grumpy battery
I need to get more regular breaks for myself. That’s important for the kids and me. It’s important because if I can get more regular time to myself then it makes the first two resolutions a lot easier. It’s important because the kids need to be reminded that they can rely on other adults to meet their needs. It’s important because I need it to maintain balance. The other day I had a nice long break. I was gone most of the day. That morning Mo had hit Chico Habib with an arrow. Chico Habib was hurt and I comforted him for about 2 seconds before I started lecturing him about the darn arrows that he never took care of or put away and how he was yelling at her and that is part of why she hit him, etc. He called me on it and I’m glad he did. I told him he was right, that something is wrong if I can’t just comfort him. I told him that I was going to get some time to myself that day to recharge my mommy battery. He told me that my grumpy battery was full. I had to laugh at that because it was such a perceptive comment.
So I was gone most of that day and the kids got to hang out with their dad all day. They barely missed me. I’d rather have a couple of hours every week than 6 hours every two months, though. That would be better for all of us. The other part of this resolution is that I have to arrange time for myself to do something fun, something for me. Going to the grocery store by myself doesn’t really count. I mean, it does give me some of that peace and quiet that I need, but it isn’t really nourishing. I need to nurture myself somehow. I have lots of ideas about how to do that, so it’s really just a matter of deciding to do it and doing it.
Filling their cups
I remember an idea one mom gave on an e-mail list I’m on. It was about how she and her kids did everything together all day long until they basically got tired of her. She filled their cups, so to speak, and then they all wanted time apart. I don’t think that works for us because the kids don’t always want to help with breakfast and I’m not really into making them do things. And yet, I see the wisdom of that and would like to work on doing something close to that. If I could do that, it would mean more help with chores (though really I need to think of it as us working as a team to make breakfast and keep the house up) and it would mean less fighting because there will be fewer opportunities if the kids are busy and with me. So while I’m not ready to make that a resolution, I think I will add it to the toolbox since it seems to fit in nicely with the other resolutions.
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(All the links should be active by noon on Jan. 12. Go to Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama for the most recently updated list.)
• To Yell or Not to Yell — The Adventures of Lactating Girl• It Is All About Empathy: Nurturing a Toddler’s Compassion Potential — Baby Dust Diaries
• To my babies: this year… — BluebirdMama
• Mindfully Loving My Children — Breastfeeding Moms Unite!
• January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions — Code Name: Mama
• Imperfect Mother — Consider Eden
• Resolutions — Craphead (aka Mommy)
• FC Mom’s Parenting Resolutions 2010 — FC Mom
• What’s in a Resolution? — Happy Mothering
• January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting resolutions — Hobo Mama
• Natural Parenting Resolutions — Little Green Blog
• This year, I will mostly… — Look Left of the Pleiades
• Parenting Resolutions — The Mahogany Way
• I Resolve to Breastfeed In Public More Often — mama2mama tips
• Moving to Two Kids — Megna the Destroyer
• Use Love — Momopoly
• My parenting resolutions — Musings of a Milk Maker
• Talkin’ ’bout My Resolutions — Navelgazing
• Parenting Resolutions — One Starry Night
• Invitations, not resolutions — Raising My Boychick
• No more multitasking during kid time — The Recovering Procrastinator
• I need to slow down, smell those roses AND the poopy diapers — Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma
• Resolutely Parenting in 2010 — This Is Worthwhile
Oh yes, yes! I hear you on these. ESPECIALLY number 1 - I only listen with half and ear and I feel so bad about it. I’m right with you on being more present, more attentive and spending more time listening and hearing what my DD has to say. Good luck to you for a wonderful year of parenting!
Comment by Mrs Green @ littlegreenblog.com — January 12, 2010 @ 10:59 am
Your first resolution is one I can relate to - but I’m guilty of it with my hubby. (oops!) Sometimes I just tune him out, esp. if he happens to be talking about his tech-y work stuff (yawn!). I will have to do a better job of this myself
Comment by Dionna @ Code Name: Mama — January 12, 2010 @ 11:16 am
I’m with you on #1 too. Especially if I am on the computer I find it very hard to be present. But it should be the easiest time since nothing on the internet is going anywhere!
Comment by Melodie — January 12, 2010 @ 3:09 pm
Oh man the grumpy battery and getting a break. I definitely need to deal with those. And yup, you’re right that would help with the yelling and listening. Have you been peeking in my windows by any chance?
Comment by BluebirdMama aka @childbearing — January 12, 2010 @ 8:44 pm
I feel you on #1
Stopping what I’m doing is hard for me sometimes.It feels like I have to get this done now!
I also am in desperate need of more break time. Seems like I’m always on 24/7
Breaks help for sure.
Comment by Darcel — January 13, 2010 @ 3:55 pm
I feel you on the whole “I’d rather have a couple of hours every week than 6 hours every two months, though.” I’m LITERALLY to the point where I’m begging for a week alone. I don’t know how other women/mothers do it. Sometimes I feel like an royal sh*t because I actually need time alone, but, there you have it. I can’t really figure out how to NOT need to be alone and do my own thing. I do know that not ever getting to recharge my batteries as a grown woman definitely isn’t working.
I think I could pretty much have used all your resolutions as my own, too
Comment by Jessica - This is Worthwhile — January 13, 2010 @ 10:39 pm
I like what you said about the “grumpy battery.” I might have to co-opt that term. I think I’m a fairly mellow person but I do have my moments.
Great post! Lots for me to think about.
Comment by NavelgazingBajan — January 14, 2010 @ 8:45 am
OK, ladies. I want to reply to everyone and if blogsome has a way to reply to a comment, I don’t see it. So here goes.
@Mrs Green - I feel bad, too, but at the same time it’s hard. I feel like I have child-induced ADHD at times (not to make light of ADHD) becaue I can barely concentrate on anything since my brain has been rewired to flit from one thing to another as the kids do!
Comment by craphead — January 14, 2010 @ 12:34 pm
@Dionna I can totally relate. It seems like a lot of AP type parents are crunchy mamas combined with techy, computer, nerdy guys. I try to follow along, I really do. But it’s hard when I’m not always interested or I just don’t understand. He’s very right-brained, as is Chico Habib. Have you ever read about right-brained learning? It’s some good stuff.
Comment by craphead — January 14, 2010 @ 12:35 pm
@melodie i hear you one the computer stuff. it should be the easiest, but it’s not. i use the computer as a really quick break, usually. it would be better if i could schedule some time, but i guess i choose to use that time to read my book at night when they rae asleep. they don’t sleep much so i pretty much sleep when they do! haha.
Comment by craphead — January 14, 2010 @ 12:43 pm
@BluebirdMama I promise I haven’t been peeking in your windows! haha. But sometimes I think that if we peeked in windows, we’d find a common theme. And it did seem that there were some themes in the carnival posts (at least the ones I’v read so far!).
Comment by craphead — January 14, 2010 @ 12:57 pm
@Darcel I know how you feel. When Chico Habib was a baby, I had to learn how to stop at a moment’s notice. I guess I can still do it, but it just seems that after almost 6 and a half years I should be able to finish something every now and then. And you know, it does work sometimes, but sometimes I need to think about what I’m doing and whether I can stop or not. Cooking is hard to stop doing, but unloading the dishwasher? Reading e-mail? Those should be easy to stop.
Breaks are so important, but no matter how much we know that it seems that most moms find it hard to make the time for breaks for themselves. I seriously need one right now, but I just can’t figure out when it will be since we have a birthday today and a party Saturday and…. well, there’s always something else to do, isn’t there?
Comment by craphead — January 14, 2010 @ 1:06 pm
@Jessica I know that I am an introvert and that my husband and Chico Habib are definitely not. Mo seems to be a bit of a mixture. She likes to be alone sometimes, but then sometimes she doesn’t. Chico Habib and Hubby almost hate being alone. Me, I absolutely need time to myself. I have to have it to recharge. No matter how much I wish I could change that, I can’t. And you know, if we are practicing loving our kids for who they are, then we should practice it with ourselves, too. Of course, that’s easier said than done, isn’t it?
Comment by craphead — January 14, 2010 @ 1:17 pm
@NavalgazingBajan My little boy is the one who said that. He’s so funny and peceptive at times. And kind of sarcastic, too. haha.
I think I used to be mellow. Or I used to think I was. But I live with a husband and son who are definitely not mellow. Mo is mellower in many ways, but not exactly mellow! So sometimes I’m not mellow because I feel that I can only take so much of other people’s non-mellowness. haha. Does that make sense? And sometimes I’m just not mellow and it has nothing to do with them.
Comment by craphead — January 14, 2010 @ 1:21 pm
Great resolutions. I need to work on being a more gentle mama and also listening - really listening - to my kiddos. Thanks for the reminder.
Comment by Kate @ Momopoly — January 14, 2010 @ 6:16 pm
I agree with you about having consistent time for your self instead of waiting until I reach breaking point!
Thanks for the comment on my post - I agree that some people have a natural empathy and others need to learn. Good point.
Looking forward to following you this year!
Comment by Paige — January 18, 2010 @ 1:51 pm
If you are willing to buy a house, you will have to get the credit loans. Furthermore, my brother always uses a short term loan, which supposes to be really rapid.
Comment by GoldenLorna27 — December 22, 2011 @ 10:26 am