Fighting - Day 2
There is no Day 1 post, so don’t be confused by the title. We have an experiment going on in our house right now. But first, a little background.
The kids fight every day. This has been going on for more than a year. They hurt each other every day: flicking pinching, smacking, punching, kicking, biting, headbutting, shoving, throwing things at each other. I’m sure I missed a few, as they are both resourceful and creative when finding ways to hurt each other. We have a rule/principle that we do not hurt other people or animals. Now, it’s not like I just made a rule and didn’t try to give them other means of working out their difficulties. I have tried. And tried. And tried.
I have tried being calm and being an unmovable mountain to their ups and downs. When I am able to do that, it helps. Mostly it helps me not to get upset with them, but it doesn’t really keep them from fighting. We’ve tried blocking, physically blocking them when the fists and feet go flying. This works fairly well (but definitely not 100%) if we are there, in the room, in the moment, present. I have a friend whose children have a similar relationship to my two. This is her technique, along with quiet, loving acceptance/tolerance. She once said that by not getting upset with the aggressor, she is showing the hurt child that she loves them both unconditionally. I agree, understand, and want to be like that. There are times I can do that and times I can’t. I take them hurting each other very personally, even though I know I shouldn’t. It’s not a reflection on me, my parenting, my choices, or anything, right? And yet when there are two little people you love with your entire being, it is so freaking hard to see them hurting each other. It wears me out. It makes me sad. I feel guilty because I feel that the sibling rivalry stems, in large part, from having them close together and weaning Chico Habib after Mo was 9 months old (we night weaned not long after she was born). I feel guilty for sending him to the neighbor’s house for preschool shortly after Mo was born. I even feel guilty for sending him to the nursery for 2 hours so I could get some sleep the day he was born. I know I need to tell the guilt to go fuck itself. I mean, really, how long can I feel guilty about things like this? How long do I need to blame myself for a poor decision (preschool), and some necessary, but sucky decisions (weaning and the nursery). And can I really say for certain that those decisions are causing this sibling rivalry and fighting?
Ok, so now that that’s out there to chew on, I can tell you the other things we’ve tried and whether those things are good or bad ways of coping. Talking is good as long as we don’t start lecturing, but it only works if there is a moment to jump in quickly before things escalate and if I am in the room and paying attention. When I say talking, I mean talking to them, having them talk about what they each want. If we can get that to work, then we can come to a compromise and work things out (really good), as there is almost always a way to work things out to everyone’s satisfaction. It just takes time, which we are more than willing to give them. The fighting is compounded by the fact that they are both intense and that things escalate in seconds. We’ve tried separating them, making one be with a parent all the time. That works, but it is not really feasible to maintain it for more than a day or two. I try validating their feelings (great idea but I honestly don’t think of this first even though I want to and need to), which helps but not always in the moment. I’ve talked to Chico Habib about the hurts from when Mo was born because I really was crazy and horrible to him (not all the time or everyday, but enough to make things pretty much suck). That story was supposed to have been part of the epilogue of Mo’s birth story. I never got around to writing it because it’s just too painful. And while I think those feelings play a role, I also think that Chico Habib simply does not want a sibling. He has said that and we have talked about it and I’ve tried to simply validate his feelings. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. It was easier to validate those feelings when she was still new to the household, but she’s almost four. Will he ever forgive me for having another baby? And if he can’t forgive me, then can he at least not take it out on her?
We’ve tried yelling and screaming (not helpful). Actually I would not say we’ve tried that as it’s not really part of the toolbox. Or, it is part of the parenting toolbox, but it’s the tool that’s on the top that you really don’t want to use because it’s not the best one for the job but you need to get the job done quickly so you grab it anyway. The yelling happens out of frustration. Frustration because I tried to help, tried to stop them, tried to offer solutions. Frustration because I’m sitting RIGHT THERE for crying out loud! Frustration because I’m trying to cook dinner or pee and I feel like I can’t even do that without someone getting hurt. I’ve even spanked them and grabbed them roughly when I really lose my cool. I am not proud of that at all, let me tell you. In fact, it adds to my guilt so I try hard to forgive myself and to do better next time. Obviously, that one is a bad idea for so many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that it only makes things worse. I apologize, always. I think it’s important to apologize because they need to know that I am an imperfect human being and mother. I have cried and sobbed out of frustration. That seems to make them realize how much their fighting upsets me, but it does not change their behavior. I don’t use crying and sobbing as a tool, it’s just something that happens and is probably the most honest emotional reaction I have.
Nothing seems to work. I am slowly figuring out that by wanting the fighting to stop, by letting it get to me, by worrying over it, by expecting it, I have given it way more attention that it warrants. It’s a law of attraction type of thing. I’ve given it too much energy/thought/time and it hasn’t stopped. Now, that’s not to say that I am happy about it. It doesn’t mean I am ignoring the fighting or that I will not offer them ideas and solutions. I will continue to model conflict resolution for them. However, I have decided to no longer intervene. And while this does not really sit well with my ideals and goals and principles, I think it will work. I would not, however, tell others to do this. I have to say that I have sort of tried this before, but not quite this way. I would sometimes let them duke it out and then yell at them and be upset and frustrated with them (and yes, as I write that out I realize how useless it was to do that). This time, I am acknowledging the fighting, but just barely. I will leave the room and pretty much ignore it. I have still tried to prevent it by describing what I see happening and saying, "What about this instead?"
My level of involvement is not the same every time, but my reaction has been pretty much the same: resignation. It is up to them to decide they no longer want to hurt each other. I have no idea how long that will take, but I can say that Day 1 of Fighting included three serious brawls. So far today there has been less fighting, but still some. It seems better today, but I have no idea if that is a sign of progress or not. I did muster up enough calm to somewhat comfort them today. I realize that sounds cold-hearted. Here I am letting my kids duke it out and I don’t even comfort them? But you see, the question of whom to comfort is not easy to answer. Comfort both, of course, but who is first? By having to choose, I only increase the sibling rivalry. It doesn’t matter who I choose or why. It doesn’t matter if I try to comfort both or if I just sit on the floor and wait for them to come to me for comfort (and when I say comfort, I mean the silent sort where I just hold them and love them). I did mention to them last night, or maybe it was this morning, that when they are ready for ideas on how to get along without hurting each other, their dad and I are ready to help. I did see some small signs of improvement today so I am hopeful. I am really hopeful because if letting them duke it out doesn’t convince them to choose non-violence, then I do not know what will.
