It’s never too early for resolutions
I know it is not New Years, but why should I wait that long to make some resolutions?
Tomorrow, Grandpa Crazy Face will be here, in town. I’m not sure when we will see him, but given that he has not seen our new house yet, I expect to see him quite soon. As I said in the Cast of Characters page, I made a joke and called him Grandpa Crazy Face in a moment of anger. I did not intend for it to stick, but others are not always kind. Since I inadvertently coined that nickname, I have grown up a bit. I think I have always been aware of how language can be used to hurt people, but I feel that I know even more now. I know that words can be unkind and that even when used in jest, sometimes things are not funny. I know that, at times, political correctness can be just silly or inaccurate, but it is important to find a balance between the absolutely silly and the absolutely offensive when we talk about others, especially our children.
I try to choose my words carefully with them. I try to say how I feel instead of blaming them or focusing on their behavior. I try. It’s hard, though. The parenting auto-pilot takes over sometimes. You know how that works, right? You know, when you are tired or exhausted or worn-out or just need some time to yourself and things come out of your mouth without thinking and it tends to be the kinds of things your parents said to you? I really don’t like those moments. They are followed by apologies, because I am many things, but perfect is not one of them. I know some parents might believe that you never apologize to your kids. I, however, believe that it is very important to apologize to your children when you make mistakes. If you don’t, how will they ever learn to say they are sorry when they make mistakes with people’s feelings? These moments are also followed by vows to do and be better, to try harder. Those vows are reinforced when I hear the words I say coming out of the mouths of the kids.
I have a friend who has two autistic kids. I’d like to call her a good friend, but we don’t know each other that well. We were getting to know each other before the big move to Illinois. I see her when we visit Phoenix, of course. We e-mail and are on an attachment parenting e-mail list together, friends on facebook and twitter, etc. I admire her and am inspired by her. One of the things I have learned from her is to be careful of the R word. It’s not a word that I threw around often, by any means, but now if I catch myself saying it, I think about it and vow to not say it again. I think that since my friend first posted a link to that website, I’ve maybe said the R word once or twice and caught myself both times. It’s just not funny to make fun of a disadvantaged group, even if it is self-deprecating.
Another vow I need to reiterate is to not to say my kids are driving me crazy. It’s not nice, either to them or to people who really suffer from mental health issues or mood disorders. Now, that’s not to say that the meaning behind the words can’t be rephrased. So what is it that I, and other parents, mean when we say our kids are "crazy" or are driving us crazy? Usually when I say that they are being crazy, I mean that they are wild, running around, being very silly, and possibly on the path to some kind of destruction or harm to themselves or others. These are the times I want to tell them to settle down or calm down. First, I have to think of why I want them to be calm. Are they really going to hurt themselves or each other? Are they about to damage something? Is there a way to redirect them or distract them? Usually distraction does not work at this point, but sometimes it is worth a try. Sometimes suggesting we go outside works, when that is possible. Second, I have to think of another way to express my feelings. What is it that I am really feeling? Usually I am feeling frustrated and anxious. If this is at home, then usually it is my own anxiety or tiredness that contributes to my inability to deal with the natural exuberance of my kids. If it’s in public, I am sometimes worried about others being harmed or annoyed. Sometimes I do not care about that, but I am very sensitive to other people’s feelings and moods so it’s hard to ignore even if I don’t care or don’t agree that the kids are being annoying. However, I think the predominant feeling I have is that the situation, the kids, and/or myself are out of control. Nobody likes that feeling of being out of control, do they?
The problem is that sometimes things are not out of control, it’s just my perception or my own anxiety. I don’t really feel that I am a particularly anxious person, but at times I am. This is something I’ve learned about myself very recently. I remember my naturopath in Phoenix asking me if I ever felt anxious. I did, but did not realize it at the time. Sometimes it’s not actual anxiety, it’s just tiredness combined with stress and not having enough time to myself. Even that language has changed recently! I used to say I needed a break, which, of course, implies that I need to be away from my family, when that isn’t really the case. What I really need is time to myself, time to think and have some quiet. I’m an introvert no matter how much I wish I weren’t. However, simply changing the wording from, "I need a break" to "I need some time to myself" makes a big difference in my perception of the situation, as well as protecting the feelings of others.
So anyway, I am vowing to do the following:
- not use the word crazy to describe my kids or my feelings about their behavior
- not use the R word ever again
- not use the word crazy to describe others, because if they really are mentally ill then it is not nice and if they are not mentally ill, then a different word is more approrpriate
- to try even harder to choose my words carefully when talking to the children so as to not make them feel bad about themselves
- to try even harder to express my feelings rather than blaming others or focusing on their behavior; I can’t control other people’s feelings, words, or attitudes, but I can change my own
After all, I want my children to be kind and considerate and careful with the feelings of others. I owe it to them to do the same with their feelings. Now, I think I am pretty good about this, but there is definitely room for improvement. Definitely!
